Why outsourcing is not a replacement for a partner who plans

I almost titled this, “If you want to get laid, make plans.” Get it? "Best laid plans..."

In households around the country, people are trying to make childcare, household chores and tasks - and aspirationally¹, some rest - all happen in spite of, and also because of, the nature of our work.

The default parent as the “default planner”

In privileged circles of two-parent households, where parents can actually afford childcare, a housekeeper, and maybe even something like a house manager or a personal assistant to coordinate it all, women have grown tired of being the so-called “default parent.” And so, after pushing Fair Play cards, calm conversations when emotion is low, pleading, and fighting, they have decided that if their partners can’t (won’t) do it, their family’s money can.

Outsourcing the physical and mental loads is nothing new, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with hiring help to manage the impossible list of ever-growing responsibilities. But one thing I’ve learned from outsourcing over the years, is that it doesn’t actually make a partnership more equitable, and it doesn’t replace the team effort required to sustain it. A mom may not necessarily think of herself as the “default parent” if her family has reliable childcare, but she’s probably still the “default planner.”

When we speak of physical childcare, hiring a nanny or babysitter takes this physical and mental burden off of both parents’ plates. It eases the burden so much that I cannot speak any more highly of hiring wonderful babysitters that you trust. But the hidden cost of outsourcing anything is most readily apparent when it falls through.

If the babysitter cancels, who stays home - and knows the kids’ routines and schedules well enough to carry them out in the sitter’s absence?

If the housekeeper falls ill, who is picking up those cleaning tasks (or trying to find someone else to take over) - and knows what the cleaning tasks actually are?

If the grocery delivery won’t come in time, who will run to the store - and know exactly what we need to get?

If the answer is always the same person, it means that the task may have been transferred to someone else, but that person has maintained the responsibility of making sure it’s done, and done adequately.

Planning task ownership

Eve Rodsky accounts for this with her “CPE” model, which stands for Conception, Planning and Execution, convincingly arguing that all three are required for a task to be fully owned by a person.

We may have gotten to the “E” in many cases, but many men are not picking up on the effort required and the importance of the C and the P. Making lists (conceiving/deciding what needs to be done) and capital-P Planning are what I spend about 99% of my waking hours doing, and while part of my personality is loving a good plan, I often daydream about someone else caring about the “Plan” as much as I do. I’m dying for a co-planning co-conspirator. I’m dying to see one man care as much as any woman I know cares - about planning.

Even the act of sitting down and doing the Fair Play method is planning!!! We can’t escape it.

For those who say, “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll all get done!” I implore you to read this important essay explaining why you are incorrect. Paraphrasing Paige Connell, "Things don’t just ‘work out.’ Someone works them out.” And that someone is almost always the mother.

Why sharing the planning load is important

If outsourcing caregiving and home tasks is giving one half of a partnership permission to completely check out in the name of paid work, the partnership is really more of an arrangement than a partnership. It’s not about resources, it’s about values. Do both partners value care work enough to pick it up in an emergency? Or does one partner simply assume that the other will take care of things when the paid support is absent? Who makes the plans, and who benefits from them? Ideally, the partners make the plans together, and everyone, including the children and paid support, benefits from them. But when the planning falls on one person, it’s a heavy weight to bear. Borrowing terminology and very interesting research results from the brilliant Dr. Molly Dickens, planning is “plate-spinning” rather than “box-checking.”

From a personal standpoint, the mental wear-and-tear over time is really something. I’d argue that my constant planning for my family makes even the simplest of decisions, let alone any bigger ones, feel insurmountable at times. It’s as if there’s a limited amount of executive functioning available in my body and I’ve used it all up to take care of my family. I noticed this recently when, on a particularly low-energy day, I walked between my car (errands), my house (lunch), and the trail in my neighborhood (a walk), for ten solid minutes deciding what to do. I couldn’t make another quick decision after doing so all week long, all morning long, and even all night long when I had to choose whether to let my son cry or bring him into bed with me for a long night of being kicked in the face.

Planning equitable rest

There have been many discussions about leisure time disparities between men and women, and this one could be considered adjacent. Let’s talk about what I’m calling the “unplanned rest disparity.”

First, when you are a busy person, it is my opinion that planning rest is essential to ensure that you actually rest. If you don’t plan to rest, your body will likely force you to rest when you inevitably get sick, exhausted and worn down. Planning regular rest time is critical - especially if you are averse or resistant to resting. But even if you are not averse or resistant, you still need to plan it as much as possible when you are in a partnership and have children. Why? Because if one partner does not plan their rest and just plops down to take a nap anytime they want to, the other partner actually. gets. no. rest.

I don’t have the answers, but I do have opinions and experiences.

I share this delicately, not to spew any disdain for my own partner, but to acknowledge that for many partnerships (assuming I’m not alone here!), the balance of planning responsibility is a work in progress.

I think we’ve all mostly gotten over the fact that equality (meaning exact 50/50 sharing of responsibilities) is not realistic, or even the goal in most partnerships. But most of us still have not achieved the equity necessary to live a sustainable lifestyle that doesn’t involve moms frantically running around every day until we collapse. I can’t think of one mom I know who doesn’t do this.

I cannot conclude this conversation without mentioning Elena Bridgers’ eye-opening commentary about how in hunter-gather societies, childcare is not at all 50/50, and in fact, mothers only provide about a quarter of overall childcare for their children, with the rest divvied up among fathers, grandparents, cousins, community members of no blood relation, etc. It’s fascinating, and also leaves us wondering why two people are really supposed to manage the load that takes a literal village. Childcare itself is only one very important part of a laundry list of items that make up the mental and physical loads in modern-day American households. It’s not just too much for moms, it’s too much for couples in the absence of additional support.

And if I hear one more person tell me to relax and be less of a perfectionist and that that alone will solve everything, I’m going to scream.

(Thanks for letting me go off. It’s Leo season after all.)

1. Substack tells me this is not a real word, but too bad - I’m leaving it in!